TO: JEFF

It did end off somewhat bad. after we had our conversation, it was somewhat better and it became all clear to me.. and i thought to myself: this is the end of a huge chapter in my life. its okay tho, cus ill be fine. i always am. times get tough but i always find a way to get back on my feet. i just keep telling myself, "time will heal." and i know it will.

yes. you were a huge chunk of me. yes. we went thru a lot together. but after all of this, i realized i learned so much from you and our good and hard times together. since you were a big part of my life, its hard to think of you as nothing in my life. i always did go back and tried to rewind and tried to make it better for the both of us. but not this time.. because i've changed. for the better. dont get me wrong tho, youre the one person that ill never forget. i cant forget. we've shared too many new experiences together to just erase the slate clean.

just because we've come to the end of the road of us doesnt mean you're bad for me. we're both just in different stages in our lives. everything happens for the better and theres no looking back now. of course i think about you every single day and try to smile, even though it hurts that we dont have the same relationship as we used to and we wont have the same laughs and inside jokes together we had. all the inside jokes and pranks we pulled together just even laying in bed while talking are moments im gonna cherish. from our moments we spent at laguna beach to bj's resturant dinners to our random nights of scrabble... i'll always remember.  but truthfully, i've honestly always thought that we would be taking our steps together and be having our random nights together throughout our whole future. 

                                                                            

you're my past, but you'll never fade. im trying my best to get over the past and accept the new things that life is gonna throw at me. through the 2 and a half years that we've been together, you did help me to keep pushing forward through all i do in life and i appreciate that. you've always been a huge part of my support group. but through all this time, as you were pushing me forward during certain times... i realized that you were just holding me back.. in some ways. i honestly did give you my everything, thinking that i'd be yours forever and you'd be my forever. but from this point on, i'm only gonna be moving forward to what i want in life. my career. my future. that's what you wanted in life too wasnt it? your career. im assuming that your done with us for good... i keep trying to replay in my head WHAT just happened to us, but i still dont a hundered percent get it... i dont agree with some of the choices you made relating to that, but i guess people see things completely different than one thinks that they would. i was willing to stick by your side through all the hard times and tired times you had at work. i was willing to meet you halfway. i really was willing to.. for you. yeah there are moments that i acted as i couldnt deal, but its only cus after seeing you every week, its not that easy to adjust that quick and easy...  yeah, i did hate it when i couldnt see you tho.

don't think that i'm leaving you in my past and leaving you there. As i move forward, dont get me wrong  and think that i'm walking away to leave you behind to forget about you as well as your pretty little face. its your decision to follow me/be behind me to the new destination that i plan to go to. cus honestly... i dont think that we're heading towards the same place. i'm not even sure you want the same things as i do... in a relationship. in life. i assumed way too quick about the person you were and in what you wanted from US. but i still love you as a person and appreciate every single little thing you've ever done for me. i dont know the reason why  you didnt want to take the time to talk about the end of us or the reasons why you choose the choices you've made... but i thought that i needed to let this out all at once.  i never met anyone in my life who dealt with my flaws the way that you did. and i thank you. 

so, all im trying to say is...

everything happens for a reason. i wish the best for you and in everything you do. youre my number one and you'll always be. my first love. the love of my life. if you ever need something, you know i'll always be here, so don't hesitate to reach me. you were an amazing man to me and i had the most amazing 2 1/2 years of my life...while it lasted. i'll always love you.

Love,

jenn

retail therapy.

seeing you today killed me. 

today: went shopping w/ heather. spent mad money. i needed it. tomm, going out shopping again.  money comes and goes, pretty clothes dont. hahaha i got the ugliest hello kitty collectable character ever. just my luck. its ok tho, hopefully my next one is cuter. (picture above)

 it was so much fun seeing grams and gramps yesterday. getting hair done next week, pretty stoked. schools a drag, dreading packaging design class. its funny how once you let something out of your life, and new things happen all at once. everything is for the better. ill be graduating in a year and a half... and be working soon. current goal: editorial design at vogue. so ill probably be moving to new york after i graduate.  

a big huge thanks to my close girlfriends. i love you guys.

change.

everything is all so good right now. cus i deserve to smile.

one step at a time.

the end of one chapter in my life and starting a brand new chapter.

i was watching sex and the city and i loved this quote.

"maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be." -carrie bradshaw

new chapter in my life? maybe so.

"To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your life depends on it; and , when the time comes to let it go, let it go."

Going through one of the toughest times in my life right now. not knowing whats gonna happen in the next step of your life is the most frustrating thing ever. especially when the next chapter in your life all falls into the hands of one person. i tried to look at the positive points of what im experiencing right now. but i seem to keep reminiscing about the good times i spent with him and its killing me inside. but i tell myself that everything happens for a reason and hopefully its for the best. i assumed that i knew every inch of them... but no, the true colors seemed to come out. do i think it's selfish? pretty much. but the truth hurts but its better to know now then never. the person that matters the most to you can be someone that you didnt know that they can be. its really scary how life is. dont get me wrong tho, im so happy for him in what their accomplishing in. i guess im letting everything out here because holding it in and just pretending to smile is just hurting me more." what kills you only makes you stronger.".. i think thats the quote. hopefully, whatever happens.. ill just learn from it and it'll make me stronger. i dont know what its about you that makes me feel the way that i do.

sorry for such an emotional post. i had to let it out somehow.

break has gone by SO fast. i start school again this tuesday. no more nights of just being out late not caring of the time passing by. ill truly miss it.... until next term enddds.

that is all for now. :)

3 day walking zombie.

one more week of school. so stoked. im literallly a walking zombie right now. i finally got some sleep. i barely got any rest for the past 3 days and my eyeballs were gonna start bleeding any second. 

couple of weeks ago i got a goldfish cus i get so lonely at my apartment. hahahahaha.....her name was ikea. :)     but she died  this past monday. i think it was because i over fed her food. im supposed to give her one pellet 2-3 times a day.... but the day before she died, i spilled about 12 litle crisps in her fish bowl, and didnt bother to clean it up. hahahahaha... not so funny.  AND the pet store guy told me dat im only supposed to give my fish drinking water and not sink water..... but the other day when i cleaned her bowl, i put in sink water cus i didnt want to waste my drinking water. i swear... the first time i cleaned her bowl, it took 6 water bottles to fill her fucking bowl. oh well... my fish was only 19 cents. ill just go buy another one. rest in peace you smelly cheap fish.

so school has been pretty hectic but im kind of excited to finalize all of the projects that i have been getting weeks and weeks of critic on.  heres one of my posters that im about to finalize. the size is going to be 22x33. its for type 3 class. (on the top)